Sarcasm Is The Lowest Form Of Wit
by RecentObsession
Summary: This isn't Valduggery: Just Commenting. After being Cursed by a Blaise Rodrake, Valkyrie and Skulduggery are sent on a wild goose chase to hunt the witch down. Set after the 7th book. SPOILERS ALERT xx
1. Prologue A Mysterious Bump

Valkyrie stirred, she shifted to move onto her side. However something big stopped her, something that appeared to be attached to her stomach. She opened one eye, one hand reaching for her ring. Her stomach hand bloated overnight, her eyes widened when she felt it kick.

"SKULDUGGERY!" She screamed. Skulduggery Pleasant stepped to the door, his tailored suit hanging on his skeletal frame.

"Valkyrie? Since when were you pregnant?" He asked, Valkyrie knew if he had eyebrows one would be raised. Valkyrie moved to sit up, the giant bump making it hard.

"I can't move." Valkyrie breathed after a few minutes of attempting to sit up. Skulduggery moved over and helped her up. Her jersey too small now to fit around the bump, had hitched to below her cleavage, and her pyjama shorts straining against the bump. Valkyrie took her time to glare at Skulduggery. "What the hell!"

"I think we might have found out what Blaise Rodrake did when she cursed you." He explained.

"She cursed me to become pregnant." Valkyrie snapped. Skulduggery put a gloved hand to her stomach.

"Valkyrie, there is not supposed to be that much movement." Valkyrie put her hand next to his and something shoved it repeatedly.

"What am I pregnant with?" She questioned.

"We have to-" He began reaching for his phone.

"No, I'm not going." Valkyrie cursed, staring right at his eye sockets.

"That's very off-putting Valkyrie." Skulduggery whispered and sat her down. "I'll go get some clothes." He returned five minutes later with a shirt. "It should cover it until we get to the sanctuary." His voice was tense; whatever was in her could probably kill her. Then Skulduggery would kill Blaise. It was a shame, Valkyrie had like her. Skulduggery exited his phone to his ear, her little hitchhikers nudged her again. Valkyrie shushed it. She began pulling her shirt off and began buttoning up Skulduggery's shirt. It was tight but it managed, somehow, to cover the bump. She pulled on her pants that Ghastly made and they fit snuggly around her now larger behind. She wobbled her way downstairs.

"I feel like I'm being repeatedly stabbed. Can we just get this out of me, before I die of embarrassment?" She snapped, awkwardly sliding into the Bentley. Skulduggery removed his coat and gave it to her.

* * *

They arrived at Roarhaven and Skulduggery climbed out, greeting Ghastly who helped usher her in. They lead her with attached stares to the hospital zone. They sat her on a bed and Ghastly rushed off to find Crystabell.

That's when Valkyrie went into labour.


	2. Chapter 1 Labour

Valkyrie Screamed as the little thing was released. Skulduggery held her hand as she screamed. Being tortured by Serpine was easier than this. Nye loomed over her, it wore an evil grin on its face.

"It's an egg." It laughed. Valkyrie would have spat on it, if her life wasn't in its weird hands. Skulduggery squeezed her hand as the next one came.

"Oh God! How MANY ARE THERE?" Valkyrie screamed. Sweat unattractively caked her hair and Skulduggery's shirt was plastered against her skin. Nye placed the egg on the table next to the other five.

"The ultra-scan showed twelve." Skulduggery explained.

"Six down six more to go." She panted before letting out a blood curdling scream.

"Five more." Skulduggery whispered.

"Four." Valkyrie whispered.

"Three."

"Two.

"One."

"When… We… Find… Blaise… Let… Me … Kill… Her!" Valkyrie panted before dosing off.

* * *

Valkyrie woke, still in her hospital bed and happily bump-less. Her body had returned to its original muscled form, and for that she was grateful. She flopped over and where Skulduggery had been was a set of clothes and a card with a bow. She reached over with one hand and picked up the card.

"I heard you were expecting." Valkyrie peered over the card, Skulduggery Pleasant stood there, holding his hat in his hand.

"How are the eggs?" She asked, wondering about her hitchhikers.

"Alive, every one of them. We haven't figured out what they are yet, but, you and me are going finding Blaise so she can collect her young ones and you can punch her." Valkyrie pulled herself up.

"Wait, What is that?" She snapped picking up the yellow item of clothing.

"It's a dress, it's the only way we can get to her. Ghastly picked it out." If Skulduggery had a mouth he would have been smirking. The dress was white up to the waist where there was a black stripe and the rest was yellow and pleated, up to the knee.

"I hate you. If I end up pregnant again, I will kill you." Valkyrie snapped and stepped out of the bed. Skulduggery turned as she changed. He handed her a small bag. She cursed and took it and began applying make-up as Skulduggery took the façade of a young man with honey curls and high cheekbones. She pulled on the heels and took the place next to him.

"You don't look like you've just given birth to twelve eggs." Nye commented as they left.


	3. Chapter 2 Blaise Rodrake

Skulduggery removed his hat as they stepped into Blaise's shack. Her charms and voodoo dols lay upon the shelves. Valkyrie ran her thumb along the dusty shelf.

"She's not here?" Valkyrie queried. "Wait, why am I wearing this then?"

"That's for where we are going next. A suit always fits." Skulduggery commented. Valkyrie rolled her eyes.

"Yeah Yeah. Well why are we here?"

"Looking for…This!" He pulled a egg, similar to the ones Valkyrie had given birth to, expect this one was open.

"What is that?"

"That, Valkyrie, is you little hitchhikers cocoon." He spun to the cage in the corner. "That is it." Inside the cage was a huge five legged beast, it had a long scaled tail and ribbed horns along its back.

"That?!" She exclaimed.

"No the puppy in the corner, of course that Valkyrie." Skulduggery commented.

"Sarcasm, Skulduggery, is the lowest form of wit."

"Says the one."

"If you too are finished with your little flirt fest, I actually have to be going." Blaise Rodrake stepped in. She was still the same; she was around twenty with long red hair and sharp yellow eyes. She had a fair complexion and a thin bone structure. Today she adorned a long orange gown, so she resembled a flame. Valkyrie held back her fist. "I have gala. Love the dress Val, you guys coming."

"Valkyrie." Skulduggery whispered. "Blaise Rodrake, you are under arrest-"

"Oh no, no, no, Skelly dear, I have an arrangement with one of your doctors. I'm untouchable, and Apologises Valkyrie. I do really like you, and normally that curse would destroy one's figure but I made sure you stayed the same. I just needed a strong body to produce my babies, I'm sick of them dying on my operating table! I'll be around later to pick up my lovelies." Blaise moved to leave, Skulduggery blocked her way.

"for assault on-" Skulduggery carried on.

"Ooh! I've never been done for assault before!" Her fingers walked up the breast of his suit. Skulduggery silenced. "Let me go dear." He shifted so she could leave. Blaise grinned and kissed his cheekbone whilst slapping the other. "Bye Bye Val! I do hope we can be friends, oh, and that'll wear off later… I think, it's first time it's worked!" She laughed before stepping out of the cottage.

"You gotta give her something. She managed to make you speechless." Valkyrie laughed at a jaw-slacked Skulduggery.

Thank you guys for your wonderful reviews! Made me feel loved!

Hope you like it! :) xx


	4. Chapter 3 A Dance To Forget

Skulduggery was silent the entire way to the Banquet Hall. Valkyrie began to ponder whether Blaise had broken him. His hand clenched around the steering wheel as they neared.  
"Okay." Valkyrie sighed. "Stop." He cocked his head to the side and stared at her. "The Car." The car pulled into a layby. "What did she do to you?"  
Skulduggery stayed silent, his finger tapping her ring and pointing to his throat. Valkyrie sent a thin line of shadows through where his voice box should be and he gasped.  
"Thank you. That was tedious." He muttered voice croaky.  
"That's the longest you've ever been quiet." Valkyrie laughed. "I didn't like it."  
"Valkyrie?"  
"Yes, Skulduggery?"  
"Can I punch her?"  
"Not in public."

* * *

"Mr Pleasant and Miss Cain!" Blaise shouted over to them, her gown tugged on the floor but she still appeared flawless. She reminded Valkyrie of a nervier China, if that was possible. She gave them both drinks and stepped between them. She linked them both and pulled them to the people she was conversing with. "Dance with me, Mr Pleasant." Skulduggery took her hand and whisked her onto the dance floor. Valkyrie smiled, giggling at the two of them, when someone tapped her shoulder.  
A handsome boy with rugged black hair and a white tux laid out a hand. She shrugged and took it. He whipped her up to him and began swaying her towards the long dance floor. 'Me and Mrs Jones' played its last chords before the mood twisted. 'Big Bad Handsome Man' filled the hall and the boy she was dancing with pulled her closer and lowered his hand from her shoulder to her waist. Blaise and Skulduggery were still dancing, attempting to out skill each other. Valkyrie smirked. The boy dipped her suddenly, whipping away her breath and then settling her on her feet as a shadow loomed over them.  
"Valkyrie?" The boy nodded and scurried off as Skulduggery laid out a white gloved hand. He pulled her to the centre of the floor as the pace slowed. She let her head rest on his suit, hovering over his rib cage. Valkyrie found herself singing along.  
"Look up; I'll meet you at the moon."

* * *

Blaise looked towards Laken Reid, the boy had managed a dance with Valkyrie Cain before Skulduggery had got her.  
"I told you son, you've no chance." Blaise added bitterly, eyeing the dancing pair. It annoyed her how Valkyrie's head fit into the crook of Skulduggery's rib cage. Blaise twitched, letting her head fall to the side. Laken looked to her.  
"But Auntie…" The boy had an annoying accent, it was painfully English. Her head cocked back to the dance floor as the pace quickened and Valkyrie's laugh vibrated from the hall. Skulduggery had twirled her so she couldn't stand. They were annoying together. She was annoying. Sadly the eggs hadn't killed her, Blaise couldn't just let that wonderful figure get damaged so she'd restored her body. She couldn't destroy her unless she was fully Valkyrie Cain. The fall was the best bit.

Recommended Songs :

Big Bad Handsome Man By Imelda May.

Meet You at the Moon By Imelda May.

Me and Mrs Jones By Michael Buble.


End file.
